I should have suspected that Mom had an ulterior motive when she suggested a ladies-only trip with my two sisters and I. "I'll drive," chirped my sister Susie. "Won't this be fun? It'll be just like all those family trips when we were growing up. Two adults and five children in the car for nine…
CAUTION: I’M SOCIALLY INAPPROPRIATE. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED
I have no filter. A friend once gifted me with a pin to wear which said, "Caution...socially inappropriate." In baseball terminology, I have no on-deck circle. If a pitch comes at me, I take a swing at it. Sometimes it's a line drive and a home run, but sometimes it's a swing and a miss.…
IS WORRYING A MARKETABLE SKILL?
If worrying were an Olympic sport, I'd have a good shot at the gold medal. I worry a lot, not just about reasonable or feasible misfortunes, but also about random or weirdly unlikely possibilities. For example, does the turkey vulture that has been perched in a dead tree in my yard know something I don't?…
THE HOLIDAY TEMPTATIONS BEGIN
I can't believe the neighbors called the cops on me. The officer said there had been some complaints about a woman at my address stealing candy from the Trick-or-Treaters in my neighborhood. I wasn't stealing! Being a concerned neighbor, I merely offered to check their goodies for any candy which might be adulterated with drugs…
STOP CALLING ME POLLYANNA!
According to the dictionary of slang terminology, a Pollyanna is a person who is gullible, optimistic, and annoyingly perky. That would be me. People are always asking me what I am smiling at. I don't have a reason. I'm usually not aware that I am doing it. When my son was a teenager, his favorite…
SHOULD I BE HAPPY THAT MY LIVER IS ONLY SLIGHTLY FATTY?
The local discount store should have posted a weight limit for riding Patches, the one-cent-per-ride mechanical pony at the front of the store. I tried to ride Patches, so I guess it's my fault that Patches is now sprawled on the tile floor with all four of his legs bent back like cheap paper clips.…
AMAZON HAS ME DRUNK WITH POWER-AND BROKE
Studies show that women handle family finances in over 70 percent of households. My husband's method, which consists of thrifty habits and well-researched and secure investments, is effective, but dull. He still believes that before you make a purchase, you should assess the need, compare prices, then go to a store and pay cash. How…
GEEZER IRONIES
If you aren't sure if you are mature enough to be considered a geezer, check your mailbox. My mail usually consists of Modern Maturity and AARP magazines, investment opportunities, and coupons for denture adhesives, hearing aids, and cemetery plots. One of the greatest geezer ironies is that while life experiences have made us wiser and…
A STAY-AT-HOME MOM RE-ENTERS THE WORK FORCE WITH A BANG ON THE HEAD
As I prepare for my upcoming retirement in a few weeks, I find myself reminiscing about my very first day of work many years ago. I had been out of the office for almost 20 years after a stint as a stay-at-home mom. For most people, that doesn't result in them ending up unconscious on…
JUST WAIT UNTIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME!
Those were the words that struck fear into the hearts of every child in the era of my youth. Like nearly all my young friends, I grew up in a traditional home of the 1960s. Dad was seldom home. He worked at least 60 hours a week and came home tired and dirty. I'm sure…
