Fevered Musing

As I lay in bed, alternately groaning and blowing my sodden nose, my husband came into the room and asked how I was feeling. After a prolonged fit of coughing and sneezing, I attempted to rouse myself from my feverish, disoriented state and said, "Did you see that? I believe one of my lungs just…

Small Town Corruption?

I grew up in a rural area, but as a townie, so I don't know much about farming. When I went to the farm supply store with my raised-on-a-farm friend Marquita and saw the sign which advertized, "Back Rubs, Sows $29.95, Cattle $34.95," I was befuddled. I wasn't aware that farm animals were under such…

Not a Creature Was Stirring?

We've all read Clement Clarke Moore's holiday poem stating, "All through the house not a creature was stirring--not even a mouse. No offense, Clement, but you're full of it. Since the weather turned cold, mice are stirring all over the place and leaving their little "gifts" on my kitchen counter. A few days ago, as…

I Don’t Get No Respect

I know that's comedian Rodney Dangerfield's line. I also know it's a double negative, but I've had a lousy week and I don't care. I've had to deal with multiple incidents of people who were inappropriately personal and unprofessional. After ordering a meal and a drink in a small-town diner, the waitress said, "Are you…

Thanks for the Mammaries

"Let me check the computer for your doctor's order for this mammogram," said the technician. "Ok, but is that really necessary? Would I be here, having the most sensitive parts of my anatomy squeezed between plates, if my doctor didn't order it? Are there women flitting from clinic to clinic having frequent, unauthorized mammograms just…

Whee! Welcome to the Menopausal Playground

As I neared menopause, I desperately tried to ward off the approaching turbulence. I made excuses for the absentmindedness and denied the irritability. To those of you who are nearing the end of Aunt Flo's now-unpredictable visits, take a little trip with me to what I like to call the menopausal playground. There you'll find…

Gender Bent

“That tasted odd,” I thought as I chewed and swallowed my daily vitamin. I turned the bottle around to read the label, which said, “Macho Man High Potency Vitamins for real men.” Uh-oh. Oh, well, a vitamin’s a vitamin, right? Anyway, I’m out of mine. I’m happy to say that it didn’t seem to affect…

On the Witness Stand

My former boss once referred to people like me as "Hershey bars, because when you put a little heat to them, they melt." He was right. I barely can tolerate the pressure of something as innocuous as an eye exam. It's all those decisions. "Is it better like this, or like this?" the optometrist asks.…

When Pigs Fly

I was tricked. I never would've agreed to participate in Cincinnati's Flying Pig Half Marathon if I'd known how things would turn out. "C'mon, it'll be fun," coaxed my friend Marquita, who'd done it several times. "It's only ten kilometers. That's 6.2 miles. You've walked that far hundreds of times with your walking club." "Sure,…

Saturday Afternoon at the Movies, Who Cares What Picture You See?

In our little hometown, there was a small, family-owned, single screen theater within walking distance of our house. The movies were current and the prices low. The owner's children operated the popcorn and candy concession stand and their parents worked the ticket window. Every Saturday in December the local merchants sponsored a 10-cent matinee, which…

Double, Double, Toil and Trouble

Laundry day used to be labor intensive, but environmentally friendly. Every Saturday Mom stood over a bubbling cauldron of hot soapy water and dirty clothes, stirring her brew with a sawed-off broomstick, then carefully pushing each item between the spinning rollers of her wringer washer to squeeze out the excess water. If she wasn’t careful,…

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

The graphic art in the plastic surgery center's ad was what caught my eye. It was a large photo of Michaelangelo's David, one of the most exquisite and realistic depictions of the nude male ever created. In the ad, amateurish airbrushing over his groin area had rendered him anatomically neutered, as smooth and genderless as…

DOLLS IN THE TOY BOX

When I was a little girl, baby dolls didn't "do" anything. We dressed them in frilly clothing, carried them around (often by an arm or a leg), and pushed them around the neighborhood in a stroller. When we got bored with them, we tossed them into the toybox. In later years, manufacturers added features making…