FIT FOR A QUEEN

I need a tiara. Yes, I want a bejeweled headdress so large and sparkly that onlookers will have to view me through a pinhole in a piece of cardboard as if I were an eclipse, or they may be blinded by the glare. My escorts (because of course, I would have handsome escorts) would require…

PUNXATAWNY PHIL IS A FRAUD

The lamest holiday of them all has to be Groundhog Day, when Phil, the groundhog mascot of Punxatawny, Pennsylvania, comes out of his hole. Legend has it that if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter. Nobody mentions the fact that, whether he sees his shadow or not, there will…

I’M AFRAID TO ASK, BUT WHERE’D MY BAR OF SOAP GO MID-SHOWER?

It seems that everything from shoestrings to refrigerators has been designed to self-destruct. What has happened to the quality of American goods? Do the manufacturers think we have not noticed the rising prices, shrinking packages, and decline in quality? No manufacturer would stoop to such dishonest and unethical practice, would they? Hah! Let's start with…