When I was a little girl, baby dolls didn't "do" anything. We dressed them in frilly clothing, carried them around (often by an arm or a leg), and pushed them around the neighborhood in a stroller. When we got bored with them, we tossed them into the toybox. In later years, manufacturers added features making…
TRAVELING WITH MOM: IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I should have suspected that Mom had an ulterior motive when she suggested a ladies-only trip with my two sisters and I. "I'll drive," chirped my sister Susie. "Won't this be fun? It'll be just like all those family trips when we were growing up. Two adults and five children in the car for nine…
CAUTION: I’M SOCIALLY INAPPROPRIATE. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED
I have no filter. A friend once gifted me with a pin to wear which said, "Caution...socially inappropriate." In baseball terminology, I have no on-deck circle. If a pitch comes at me, I take a swing at it. Sometimes it's a line drive and a home run, but sometimes it's a swing and a miss.…
EXCUSE ME WHILE I POWDER MY NOSE
My mama taught me that if a lady finds it necessary to visit the ladies' room, she never should allude to the true purpose of the visit, but should quietly mention that she needs to powder her nose. However, by necessity, medical professionals have a deep and abiding interest in personal bodily functions. I knew…
FAKE FRIENDS AND FAMILY
Just like in the 1980s movie Poltergeist, "They're b-a-a-a-ck." In the mid-1990s, there was a trend in lawn decor which consisted of life-sized silhouettes of plywood people (often painted all black), leaning against trees, bent over flower beds, or just captured in mid-stride across the yard. Occasionally, there was a bear or other animal. It…
RANSOM FOR A KIDNAPPED PIG
At first, I couldn't imagine who might have stolen my pig. It was of little value. It was just a small, pink, squeezable, stuffed pig, made of vinyl and stamped with the name of the local meat processing plant. As a secretary at a large high school, I sometimes was so stressed that if it…
IS WORRYING A MARKETABLE SKILL?
If worrying were an Olympic sport, I'd have a good shot at the gold medal. I worry a lot, not just about reasonable or feasible misfortunes, but also about random or weirdly unlikely possibilities. For example, does the turkey vulture that has been perched in a dead tree in my yard know something I don't?…
THE HOLIDAY TEMPTATIONS BEGIN
I can't believe the neighbors called the cops on me. The officer said there had been some complaints about a woman at my address stealing candy from the Trick-or-Treaters in my neighborhood. I wasn't stealing! Being a concerned neighbor, I merely offered to check their goodies for any candy which might be adulterated with drugs…
STOP CALLING ME POLLYANNA!
According to the dictionary of slang terminology, a Pollyanna is a person who is gullible, optimistic, and annoyingly perky. That would be me. People are always asking me what I am smiling at. I don't have a reason. I'm usually not aware that I am doing it. When my son was a teenager, his favorite…
SHOULD I BE HAPPY THAT MY LIVER IS ONLY SLIGHTLY FATTY?
The local discount store should have posted a weight limit for riding Patches, the one-cent-per-ride mechanical pony at the front of the store. I tried to ride Patches, so I guess it's my fault that Patches is now sprawled on the tile floor with all four of his legs bent back like cheap paper clips.…
AMAZON HAS ME DRUNK WITH POWER-AND BROKE
Studies show that women handle family finances in over 70 percent of households. My husband's method, which consists of thrifty habits and well-researched and secure investments, is effective, but dull. He still believes that before you make a purchase, you should assess the need, compare prices, then go to a store and pay cash. How…
