The graphic art in the plastic surgery center's ad was what caught my eye. It was a large photo of Michaelangelo's David, one of the most exquisite and realistic depictions of the nude male ever created. However, in the ad, amateurish airbrushing over his groin area had rendered him anatomically neutered, as smooth and genderless…
DOLLS IN THE TOY BOX
When I was a little girl, baby dolls didn't "do" anything. We dressed them in frilly clothing, carried them around (often by an arm or a leg), and pushed them around the neighborhood in a stroller. When we got bored with them, we tossed them into the toybox. In later years, manufacturers added features making…
TRAVELING WITH MOM: IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I should have suspected that Mom had an ulterior motive when she suggested a ladies-only trip with my two sisters and I. "I'll drive," chirped my sister Susie. "Won't this be fun? It'll be just like all those family trips when we were growing up. Two adults and five children in the car for nine…
CAUTION: I’M SOCIALLY INAPPROPRIATE. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED
I have no filter. A friend once gifted me with a pin to wear which said, "Caution...socially inappropriate." In baseball terminology, I have no on-deck circle. If a pitch comes at me, I take a swing at it. Sometimes it's a line drive and a home run, but sometimes it's a swing and a miss.…
I’ve Seen the Enemy, and It is Gravity
As we enter our senior years, it's gravity that causes our ample flesh to begin packing its bags and heading south like "snowbirds" heading south for the winter. By the time we enter the retirement home, we resemble Shar-Pei puppies. We have rug burns on body parts that once flew so high that air traffic…
What We’ve Got Here is a Failure to Communicate
I saw something you don't see every day: Two well-dressed, dignified-looking elderly ladies angrily screaming at each other in the parking lot of a party supply/liquor store's parking lot. One of them gave the other one "the finger" and stormed off, climbed into her car, and drove off. I wondered what they were arguing about.…
MUSIC AND MEMORIES
"Music has charms to soothe the savage beast, to soften rocks or bend a knotted oak." I'd say that would depend on whether the music was good or bad. My father's mellow baritone could soothe a savage beast. Mom's caterwauling could certainly soften rocks or bend a knotted oak, as well as cause the wallpaper…
Driven to Distraction
Whenever teenagers ask me what it was like learning to drive when I was their age, I tell them, "There were few rules of the road. Often there wasn't a road. I just had to remember to hold the reins loosely and try to keep the wagon wheels out of the ruts, because it might…
Let’s Not Argue; Let’s Just Say That We Did
According to George Bernard Shaw, "The test of a man or woman's breeding is how they behave in a quarrel." Scientists and psychologists have long understood that anger is a powerful motivator of human behavior. It takes a long-married couple several decades to realize that body language can be just as effective and a lot…
DUTCHMAN’S BRITCHES, STINKING BENJAMIN, AND PEACOCKS
Said my friend Wanda, while hiking in the woods, "Have you ever had a peacock s*** on your chest from three stories up?" "Excuse me? What?!" As someone who often hikes the countryside alone, I had been thrilled when Wanda offered to join my friend Marlene and I one afternoon. At last, I thought, the…
HEY, NATURE! SHUT THE HECK UP!
I haven't had a good night's sleep since I moved from a busy subdivision to a semi-rural area. In spite of what you may have heard, there is nothing tranquil about nighttime in the country. When I moved here, I anticipated quiet nights of restful slumber, leaves rustling in the gentle breeze through an open…
EXCUSE ME WHILE I POWDER MY NOSE
My mama taught me that if a lady finds it necessary to visit the ladies' room, she never should allude to the true purpose of the visit, but should quietly mention that she needs to powder her nose. However, by necessity, medical professionals have a deep and abiding interest in personal bodily functions. I knew…
FAKE FRIENDS AND FAMILY
Just like in the 1980s movie Poltergeist, "They're b-a-a-a-ck." In the mid-1990s, there was a trend in lawn decor which consisted of life-sized silhouettes of plywood people (often painted all black), leaning against trees, bent over flower beds, or just captured in mid-stride across the yard. Occasionally, there was a bear or other animal. It…
Levity & Brevity 