What Color is Food Obsession?

My friend Janice says I'm obsessed with food. It wasn't the first time she'd bailed me out of a food-related predicament, and it wouldn't be the last. Just because I'd protested the Esther Price Candy company by chaining myself to their rack at the local store until such time as the executives admit they'd engaged…

But Where Would You Keep the Ammo?

Did you know that naked hiking is now the third most popular pastime for nudists, following volleyball and swimming? The participants do wear footwear, so I'm not sure they qualify as true nudists. Perhaps they could be called podia-nudists. I was unable to persuade any of the conservative members of my walking/hiking group to give…

A Boomer Without a Clue

Gen-Zers say we Boomers are out of touch with reality, clueless as to the ways of the world and the current cost of living. I resent that. I'm still hip and groovy. To help me keep up with the times and with upcoming events and appointments, I have a huge calendar hanging on the wall…

There Must be Somebody I Can Sue

Ever since I read about the woman who was awarded a huge settlement after spilling hot coffee in her lap, I've been trying to jump on that bandwagon. There must be somebody I can sue. I read about a Florida man who sued a topless club, claiming that an exotic dancer gave him whiplash when…

Oscar Will Never be Mine

Not Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street, although I confess some days there is a resemblance. I'm referring to the Oscar for Best Actor. I already have a place, accented by a spotlight, reserved for it on my fireplace mantle. Alas, that Oscar will never be mine. I can't act. In the meantime, serving as…

Oops! Mistaken Identity

Assume nothing. That's my new motto. Just because the man standing behind you in a crowd smells like your husband's favorite aftershave doesn't mean you should engage in any furtive, behind-your-back, playfully affectionate groping until you turn around and make sure it's him. Your husband may have wandered off after you got there. You've heard…

Get Your Ducts in a Row

According to Google, the word "gullible" is defined as, "easily cheated or tricked; credulous." My picture is next to the definition. It's a strange world out there. How is a person to know what is real and what is false? I know a young man who was assaulted in an office setting. Another man grabbed…

Patently Ridiculous

I'm puzzled by the trend of numerous body piercings. Their only purpose seems to be ornamentation. When I worked at the local high school, a young lady with a tiny gold hoop sticking through her eyebrow came into the office. It was impossible to concentrate on what she was saying, so distracted was I by…

Patently Ridiculous Part Two

Did you know that the theft of used restaurant grease has become a multimillion-dollar industry? Me, either. I read in the newspaper that professional grease thieves can earn tens of thousands of dollars a year by sneaking up to the grease recycle bins behind restaurants and vacuuming out large amounts of left-over hamburger fat, french…

Santa’s Futons Dropped Off!

On the Christmas sale ad were the words, "Come look at Santa's futons, dropped off just in time for Christmas." It's a shame Santa's futons dropped off, but I don't think I want to go look at them. Are they floating around in a jar of formaldehyde like my cousin Linwood's gall stones? What part…

Fevered Musing

As I lay in bed, alternately groaning and blowing my sodden nose, my husband came into the room and asked how I was feeling. After a prolonged fit of coughing and sneezing, I attempted to rouse myself from my feverish, disoriented state and said, "Did you see that? I believe one of my lungs just…

Small Town Corruption?

I grew up in a rural area, but as a townie, so I don't know much about farming. When I went to the farm supply store with my raised-on-a-farm friend Marquita and saw the sign which advertized, "Back Rubs, Sows $29.95, Cattle $34.95," I was befuddled. I wasn't aware that farm animals were under such…

Not a Creature Was Stirring?

We've all read Clement Clarke Moore's holiday poem stating, "All through the house not a creature was stirring--not even a mouse.” No offense, Clement, but you're full of it. Since the weather turned cold, mice are stirring all over the place and leaving their little "gifts" on my kitchen counter. A few days ago, as…

I Don’t Get No Respect

I know that's comedian Rodney Dangerfield's line. I also know it's a double negative, but I've had a lousy week and I don't care. I've had to deal with multiple incidents of people who were inappropriately personal and unprofessional. After ordering a meal and a drink in a small-town diner, the waitress said, "Are you…

Thanks for the Mammaries

"Let me check the computer for your doctor's order for this mammogram," said the technician. "Ok, but is that really necessary? Would I be here, having the most sensitive parts of my anatomy squeezed between plates, if my doctor didn't order it? Are there women flitting from clinic to clinic having frequent, unauthorized mammograms just…

Whee! Welcome to the Menopausal Playground

As I neared menopause, I desperately tried to ward off the approaching turbulence. I made excuses for the absentmindedness and denied the irritability. To those of you who are nearing the end of Aunt Flo's now-unpredictable visits, take a little trip with me to what I like to call the menopausal playground. There you'll find…

Gender Bent

“That tasted odd,” I thought as I chewed and swallowed my daily vitamin. I turned the bottle around to read the label, which said, “Macho Man High Potency Vitamins for real men.” Uh-oh. Oh, well, a vitamin’s a vitamin, right? Anyway, I’m out of mine. I’m happy to say that it didn’t seem to affect…

On the Witness Stand

My former boss once referred to people like me as "Hershey bars, because when you put a little heat to them, they melt." He was right. I barely can tolerate the pressure of something as innocuous as an eye exam. It's all those decisions. "Is it better like this, or like this?" the optometrist asks.…

When Pigs Fly

I was tricked. I never would've agreed to participate in Cincinnati's Flying Pig Half Marathon if I'd known how things would turn out. "C'mon, it'll be fun," coaxed my friend Marquita, who'd done it several times. "It's only ten kilometers. That's 6.2 miles. You've walked that far hundreds of times with your walking club." "Sure,…

Saturday Afternoon at the Movies, Who Cares What Picture You See?

In our little hometown, there was a small, family-owned, single screen theater within walking distance of our house. The movies were current and the prices low. The owner's children operated the popcorn and candy concession stand and their parents worked the ticket window. Every Saturday in December the local merchants sponsored a 10-cent matinee, which…

Double, Double, Toil and Trouble

Laundry day used to be labor intensive, but environmentally friendly. Every Saturday Mom stood over a bubbling cauldron of hot soapy water and dirty clothes, stirring her brew with a sawed-off broomstick, then carefully pushing each item between the spinning rollers of her wringer washer to squeeze out the excess water. If she wasn’t careful,…

Every One of my Teeth is a Sweet Tooth

When a local museum advertised a "Desserts of the World" festival, I eagerly signed up. The night before, I dreamed of platters of baklava, tiramisu, gelato, and dulce de leche, offered up on petite, frilly doilies or scooped into fluted crystal ramekins. I woke with a sodden pillow from all the drooling. The day before…