PMS was always my excuse to be rude and argumentative, but that excuse worked for only a few days a month. My friend Janice has a theory that could prove to be an excuse useful for a full 365 days a year. When I said to Janice, "I am feeling downright peckish today," she replied,…
CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SOME MAGIC PRETZEL DUST?
I saw an ad for a snack company advertising its "great" new snack idea: pretzel pieces. Yes, a bag of broken pretzels, such as they used to throw away. By clever marketing and manipulation of the psyches of suckers (oops, I mean consumers), a manufacturer's former waste product is being promoted as an exciting new…
THE DANGERS OF ARTIFICIAL ENHANCEMENT
My friend Marie has always yearned for a more voluptuous figure. She has tried every gimmick on the market in her attempt to display a more impressive profile. Her undergarments are marvels of ingenuity and monuments to the art of optical illusion. He latest purchase is a bra padded with, according to the tag, paraffin…
CUSTOMER SERVICE IS TERMINALLY ILL
Remember back in the 1960s when real people used to pump your car's gas while checking the oil and tire pressure? Remember when, no matter what type of eating establishment you went to, a real person took your lunch order, brought the food to the table, and when you were finished whisked the dishes away?…
GET OFF MY BACK, YOU SANTA FREAKS!
That was my response to my neighbors' persistent whining about my lack of holiday spirit. I refuse to yield to the pressure of members of what I call the Conspicuous Kilowatt Consumption Club, whose homes are so lit up that the dials of their electric meters are spinning like the propellers on a B-57. Last…
THE SEEDY UNDERBELLY OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM
I was not aware until recently that farm animals were under such stress that they may need massage therapy. While I was in a farm supply store recently, I saw a small, hand-lettered sign which said, "Back Rubs: sows $600. cattle $850." This bears further investigation. Is the staff of the local farm store operating…
IF BROADWAY RECREATED BIBLICAL TIMES
When cable tv airs a Christmas special about Biblical times, is it really necessary to run a disclaimer in the caption that informs the viewer that, "This is a re-enactment"? Well, no kidding. I thought the entire Bible was a Broadway production produced by God, directed by the late great director Cecil B. DeMille, and…
