My whole family is sports impaired. Only one thing causes our competitive drive to shift out of neutral and into turbo: our health. It becomes a lot like a game show or a televised sporting event. There is no emcee, no audience, and no prize money, but the competition is weirdly fierce. After a particularly…
CALL 911 AND SEND IN A SEARCH PARTY
I summoned my courage and plunged into the shadowy abyss, gingerly picking my route. I knew the washing machine was down there somewhere amidst the rusty bicycles, half-empty cans of petrified paint, and boxes of clothing that I haven't been able to squeeze into since the Kennedy administration. I knew things had gotten out of…
MOM WAS A STRIPPER?
For one brief moment, back in the 1960s, I thought just maybe my family was more interesting than my adolescent mind had believed. While on our way to visit my grandparents in Michigan, Mom pointed out the window and said, "Look, kids, that's where I used to strip!" I had always thought my family tree…
FIRST MOTHER’S DAY WITHOUT MOM
My mom died last week, just 10 days before Mother's Day. This is my first Mother's Day as an orphan. I am in my 60's, but that's the way it feels. You are never ready to lose your mom. In her last few years, Mom suffered from Alzheimer's. She did not always recognize her children.…
TORTURED ANGUISH AT THE HEFTY HIDE-AWAY
It is once again that time of year when full-figured women engage in that annual ritual which fills us with despair: bathing suit shopping. My whole family suffers from wildly fluctuating weight. We know more about yo-yo-ing than the Duncan Yo-Yo Company. We always meant to get a group photo taken if we were all…
A TEMPLE TO ALEX TREBEK
Lately I have been intrigued by media reports of people who believe they have seen signs of divinity in everyday objects. Among the sightings were the face of Jesus on a tortilla shell, deceased rock star Jim Morrison in a cloud formation, country singer Willie Nelson in a plate of spaghetti, the Virgin Mary on…
HOW TO DRIVE YOUR PARENTS TO DRINK; A GUIDE WRITTEN BY TEENS, FOR TEENS
When I decided to have a child many years ago, I did not say to my husband, "Honey, let's have a baby so that about 13 years from now he can point out on a daily basis how stupid and square we are. It will keep us humble." Having a teen in the house proved…
