I have always wanted a job whose very title implies uniqueness and respectability. Something with the word "designated" in the title, like a designated driver or designated hitter. Preferably, it should involve little actual labor and provide a very large income. Finally, I found the career of my dreams: designated mourner. I got the idea…
GROOMING RITUALS: TOENAILS AND TUMORS
My least favorite grooming ritual is the pedicure. For some reason, as we age, our toenails become thicker and tougher, nearly impervious to progressively powerful trimming implements. My next effort may need to involve a chainsaw and 80-grit sandpaper. It would not surprise me to learn that anthropologists have a formula for gauging the age…
JUST LIKE THE TV SHOW “SURVIVOR,” ONLY AT THE SUPERSTORE
You shouldn't need a compass and GPS to find your way out of a store that sells everything from groceries and clothing to auto parts to jewelry. Perhaps I should offer an explanation to anyone who may have seen me sobbing, sucking my thumb, and cowering behind the bagel rack at the new Superstore when…
AN OLD LADY’S GROCERY LIST
"So," said the doctor,"You say that you are troubled by insomnia. Is there something on your mind that is keeping you awake?" "Well," I said, "it is the aging thing. I am not accepting it well. Yesterday I put on a light jacket that I have not worn in a few years, and look what…
YOU REMIND ME OF PAUL REVERE’S RIDE, BOY; A LITTLE LIGHT IN THE BELFRY
So said Foghorn Leghorn, who was one of my favorite cartoon characters. He was the cartoon master of the sardonic pun. I was raised on delightful cartoon characters like Tom and Jerry, Sylvester and Tweety, Chip and Dale, and others. Looking back, I see that the cartoons of the 1960s were rife with violence, but…
BE PREPARED TO MAKE BIG MONEY
Many years ago, I joined the scout group The Brownies just because I thought the name meant that there would be regular servings of delicious, moist and chewy chocolatey treats. I was wrong. Still, I did move on up to the Girl Scouts a couple years later. I gained some practical knowledge from the experience,…
WHAT IS IT, LASSIE? TIMMY IS IN TROUBLE AGAIN?
While decluttering my desk recently, I came across an old contract negotiation between Lassie, the dog from the 1950s and 1960s tv series, and his trainer, Rudd Weatherwax. Things weren't going well. Using his superior communications skills, Lassie barked, "Look, Rudd, for starters, it is common knowledge that I, and all of my predecessors, were…
