I have no filter. A friend once gifted me with a pin to wear which said, "Caution...socially inappropriate." In baseball terminology, I have no on-deck circle. If a pitch comes at me, I take a swing at it. Sometimes it's a line drive and a home run, but sometimes it's a swing and a miss.…
GEEZER IRONIES
If you aren't sure if you are mature enough to be considered a geezer, check your mailbox. My mail usually consists of Modern Maturity and AARP magazines, investment opportunities, and coupons for denture adhesives, hearing aids, and cemetery plots. One of the greatest geezer ironies is that while life experiences have made us wiser and…
A STAY-AT-HOME MOM RE-ENTERS THE WORK FORCE WITH A BANG ON THE HEAD
As I prepare for my upcoming retirement in a few weeks, I find myself reminiscing about my very first day of work many years ago. I had been out of the office for almost 20 years after a stint as a stay-at-home mom. For most people, that doesn't result in them ending up unconscious on…
JUST WAIT UNTIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME!
Those were the words that struck fear into the hearts of every child in the era of my youth. Like nearly all my young friends, I grew up in a traditional home of the 1960s. Dad was seldom home. He worked at least 60 hours a week and came home tired and dirty. I'm sure…
MOM: A DRILL SERGEANT WITH SPIT ON A HANDKERCHIEF
When my niece, Nikki, was in second grade in a Catholic school, she had a homework assignment to write an essay about three people she thought should be named saints. She chose the Pope, Mother Teresa, and her grandma (my mom). Mom was flattered to be included in such august company. About the only thing…
SEX STILL SELLS
Sex sells. Nowhere is that more apparent than in the world of advertising. Automobile manufacturers were the first to discover it. They found that if they draped a beautiful, young, scantily clad woman across the hood of a car, profits would soar. There was no going back. Other advertisers quickly sat up and took notice.…
TELEVISION VERSUS NURSERY RHYMES: WHICH IS MORE PERVERTED?
Giving up my television addiction was much harder than I thought, particularly in these pandemic times when there is not much else to do. The psychiatrist I went to was of no help. In a failed attempt to help me see the error of my ways and the possible damage to my psyche, she asked,…
FIT FOR A QUEEN
I need a tiara. Yes, I want a bejeweled headdress so large and sparkly that onlookers will have to view me through a pinhole in a piece of cardboard as if I were an eclipse, or they may be blinded by the glare. My escorts (because of course, I would have handsome escorts) would require…
HOW TO GET THROWN OUT OF THE BUTCHER SHOP
"What is the cow's recovery time for beef brisket removal surgery?" I asked the butcher as I stood in front of his glass case at the supermarket. "What the heck is beef brisket, anyway? I mean I hope the cow wasn't too seriously injured by the removal of its brisket." "Recovery time? Ma'am, there was…
SORRY, WE ARE ALL OUT OF POSSUM AND SPAM
The late Euell Gibbons, naturalist and author of the book "Stalking the Wild Asparagus" once said, "Most people do not know that many parts of the pine cone are edible." Euell was right. I did not know that. But unless I am lost in the forest and starving to death, I am not going to…
