Levity & Brevity

My new car is pretty and runs great, but its computer monitor knows way too much about me. I'll hereafter refer to the car as Latoya, because I don't want to reveal her make and model. I’ll bet you can figure it out. Because of the shortage of new cars, after buying it sight unseen,…

I need an issue. Something to stir my sense of righteous indignation to the point I'll raise a fist in defiance and shout, "I'm not going to take it anymore!" The trouble is all the good issues are taken: global warming, nuclear proliferation, world hunger, soaring oil prices, pollution. I'm not politically minded, so what's…

After decades of membership in my walking/hiking club, I thought I knew my hiking buddies. For instance, I've always envied Evelyn for what I thought was her natural and effortless beauty. But the first morning of a hiking trip her travel alarm went off at seven a.m. She spent the next two hours in an…

I used to care how I presented myself to the public. For 22 years I worked in a high school guidance office, where I directed students to their counselors, greeted visiting parents, and assisted faculty and staff. I wore career clothing, make-up and jewelry, fancy shoes, and a hairdo fresh from my hair dresser. Something…

Deja Vu tugged at my memory as I tried to figure out what my ob/gyn was implying. "There comes a time in every woman's life when she should expect some bodily changes, as well as personality changes like mood swings and irritability." What on earth is he getting at? Hmm. He gave a similar speech…

When my friend Marquita signed me up for that dance aerobics class, I warned her that I have no rhythm and even less coordination. I tried not to feel out of place, me in my bike shorts and an old, worn t-shirt which said, "If found unconcious, administer chocolate," surrounded by a sea of youthful…

Ever since I read about the woman who was awarded a huge settlement after spilling hot coffee in her lap, I've been trying to jump on that bandwagon. There must be somebody I can sue. I read about a Florida man who sued a topless club, claiming that an exotic dancer gave him whiplash when…

Last week there was a flier in my mailbox. It was a picture of a lost basset hound named Maxine and an offer of $1,000 for her return. I felt bad for the owners. I could sure use $1,000. They were relieved when I called and said I'd found their dog. They seemed puzzled when…

There are still weeks ahead of dreary winter weather and already I'm bored and depressed. Perhaps it's time once again to engage in my annual winter doldrums project: thinking deep thoughts. I've heard that deep-thinking philosophical types often band together and form think tanks and are paid enormous sums of money to ponder life's mysteries.…

Not Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street, although I confess some days there is a resemblance. I'm referring to the Oscar for Best Actor. I already have a place, accented by a spotlight, reserved for it on my fireplace mantle. Alas, that Oscar will never be mine. I can't act. In the meantime, serving as…

The last time I asked my sister, "Have I mentioned that we've paid off our mortgage?" she snapped, "Have you mentioned it? If you mention it one more time, I may hire an arsonist!" I guess I should shut up about it. I know many financial advisors advise against it, but I can't help mentioning…

Assume nothing. That's my new motto. Just because the man standing behind you in a crowd smells like your husband's favorite aftershave doesn't mean you should engage in any furtive, behind-your-back, playfully affectionate groping until you turn around and make sure it's him. Your husband may have wandered off after you got there. You've heard…

Our 62-inch Panasonic TV, which we've christened Pansy, isn't just a box of electronics, she's a beloved member of the family. We're retired. Frankly, we spend more time with Pansy than any other member of the family. Without her, how would we know the mating habits of migrating elk, Whoopie Goldberg's opinion on global warming,…

According to Google, the word "gullible" is defined as, "easily cheated or tricked; credulous." My picture is next to the definition. It's a strange world out there. How is a person to know what is real and what is false? I know a young man who was assaulted in an office setting. Another man grabbed…

When I worked in the guidance office in a local school, I once jokingly told a student I'd accept a bribe of quality chocolate in exchange for changing his failing grades to all A's. He thought for a moment that I meant it. I'd never even consider such a dishonest thing. Well, ok, I might…

I'm puzzled by the trend of numerous body piercings. Their only purpose seems to be ornamentation. When I worked at the local high school, a young lady with a tiny gold hoop sticking through her eyebrow came into the office. It was impossible to concentrate on what she was saying, so distracted was I by…

Did you know that the theft of used restaurant grease has become a multimillion-dollar industry? Me, either. I read in the newspaper that professional grease thieves can earn tens of thousands of dollars a year by sneaking up to the grease recycle bins behind restaurants and vacuuming out large amounts of left-over hamburger fat, french…

On the Christmas sale ad were the words, "Come look at Santa's futons, dropped off just in time for Christmas." It's a shame Santa's futons dropped off, but I don't think I want to go look at them. Are they floating around in a jar of formaldehyde like my cousin Linwood's gall stones? What part…

When cable tv aired a Christmas special about Biblical times, was it really necessary to run a disclaimer, "This is a re-enactment." Well, no kidding. I thought the entire Bible was a Broadway show produced by God, directed by the late great director Cecil B. DeMille. I can imagine DeMille calling God to let him…

As I lay in bed, alternately groaning and blowing my sodden nose, my husband came into the room and asked how I was feeling. After a prolonged fit of coughing and sneezing, I attempted to rouse myself from my feverish, disoriented state and said, "Did you see that? I believe one of my lungs just…

On the very day I received in the mail my first invitation to join AARP (American Association of Retired Persons), a varicose vein popped out on my leg. It crept its way up my leg from ankle to calf to thigh like a mole working its way across a manicured lawn, even more noticeable because…

I grew up in a rural area, but as a townie, so I don't know much about farming. When I went to the farm supply store with my raised-on-a-farm friend Marquita and saw the sign which advertized, "Back Rubs, Sows $29.95, Cattle $34.95," I was befuddled. I wasn't aware that farm animals were under such…

If you have a shallow mind and can think deep thoughts, you, too, can become a successful columnist or blogger and earn a fraction as much as you can by wearing a paper hat, standing behind a small window, and asking, "Do you want fries with that?" I once got a call from a reader…

We've all read Clement Clarke Moore's holiday poem stating, "All through the house not a creature was stirring--not even a mouse.” No offense, Clement, but you're full of it. Since the weather turned cold, mice are stirring all over the place and leaving their little "gifts" on my kitchen counter. A few days ago, as…

I was shocked and saddened to to find that a formerly well-respected, nationally syndicated journalist had been accused of plagiarism, i.e., the taking of ideas and writings of others and passing them off as your own. Any journalist who'd resort to the theft of another's work should be locked up. As a columnist who has…

I've always dreamed of my name coming after those words, but alas, the thought of appearing on a stage in front of a sea of expectant faces paralizes me with fear. Even for those of us who've never participated in the theatrical arts, some small measure of acting ability is a valuable trait. In real…

Animals are much smarter than we give them credit for. There's an "old wives' tale" that says when cows are lying down in the fields, it is a reliable indicator of the approach of rainy weather. (I'm allowed to repeat "old wives' tales" because I AM one.) I'm not sure how the cows know. Maybe…

The company name on a moving van which passed me was "College Hunks Hauling Junk." I googled it. It's a legit business. Just to make sure no one missed their advertisement, it was spelled out in bright lime green on an orange background so bright that you should probably view it through a pinhole in…

My mom was the guillotine of photographers. She cut off more heads (figuratively speaking) than Henry VIII did literally. When she passed away, my sister and I decided to go through hundreds of her old photos, identify the headless subjects, and label them. In most cases, it was as deep a mystery as any that…

When I was a child, at least I never had to worry that my doll might eat my hair off. In the 1970s, one of Mattel's Cabbage Patch Kids (Snack Time Kid) was recalled because it had a habit of snagging the long hair of little girls and chomping its way up to the scalp,…

I know that's comedian Rodney Dangerfield's line. I also know it's a double negative, but I've had a lousy week and I don't care. I've had to deal with multiple incidents of people who were inappropriately personal and unprofessional. After ordering a meal and a drink in a small-town diner, the waitress said, "Are you…

As we ease into the holiday seasons, let's not forget to give thanks for the little things. For example, I'm thankful I still have all my own teeth. According to my late mother, who'd lost most of hers to gum disease, I should do whatever necessary to keep my natural teeth, even if I had…

Most of the fads of my youth have gone the way of goldfish swallowing and phone booth stuffing, and good riddance. Although it's too bad we didn't save our "gum wrapper chains of love." The recycled aluminum foil could produce enough beer cans to supply the next five years of Super Bowl parties. Gum wrapper…

"Let me check the computer for your doctor's order for this mammogram," said the technician. "Ok, but is that really necessary? Would I be here, having the most sensitive parts of my anatomy squeezed between plates, if my doctor didn't order it? Are there women flitting from clinic to clinic having frequent, unauthorized mammograms just…

My friend Marquita brought to my attention that I've become predictable. She said it would be impossible for me to write about anything other than chocolate, bodily functions, or sex. She has wounded me deeply. I'm capable of very deep thoughts, in spite of my shallow mind. Indeed, I've often participated in in "think tanks,"…

As I neared menopause, I desperately tried to ward off the approaching turbulence. I made excuses for the absentmindedness and denied the irritability. To those of you who are nearing the end of Aunt Flo's now-unpredictable visits, take a little trip with me to what I like to call the menopausal playground. There you'll find…

It was a road surface so full of ruts and potholes that after driving over it, I had to pull over to the side of the road to retrieve my tooth fillings, my contact lenses, and my left ovary from the floorboard of the car. For months there'd been a sign posted there stating, "Rough…

“That tasted odd,” I thought as I chewed and swallowed my daily vitamin. I turned the bottle around to read the label, which said, “Macho Man High Potency Vitamins for real men.” Uh-oh. Oh, well, a vitamin’s a vitamin, right? Anyway, I’m out of mine. I’m happy to say that it didn’t seem to affect…

My former boss once referred to people like me as "Hershey bars, because when you put a little heat to them, they melt." He was right. I barely can tolerate the pressure of something as innocuous as an eye exam. It's all those decisions. "Is it better like this, or like this?" the optometrist asks.…

I was tricked. I never would've agreed to participate in Cincinnati's Flying Pig Half Marathon if I'd known how things would turn out. "C'mon, it'll be fun," coaxed my friend Marquita, who'd done it several times. "It's only ten kilometers. That's 6.2 miles. You've walked that far hundreds of times with your walking club." "Sure,…

In our little hometown, there was a small, family-owned, single screen theater within walking distance of our house. The movies were current and the prices low. The owner's children operated the popcorn and candy concession stand and their parents worked the ticket window. Every Saturday in December the local merchants sponsored a 10-cent matinee, which…

Laundry day used to be labor intensive, but environmentally friendly. Every Saturday Mom stood over a bubbling cauldron of hot soapy water and dirty clothes, stirring her brew with a sawed-off broomstick, then carefully pushing each item between the spinning rollers of her wringer washer to squeeze out the excess water. If she wasn’t careful,…

I've attended over a dozen high school proms. My parents didn't care what time I got home, if my gown showed too much cleavage, or if I had a few drinks there. That's because I was a senior citizen at all of them. I didn't go to my own high school's prom back in the…