I often hear single women complaining that suitable life partners are nonexistent. It seems to me that the ladies are getting awfully particular.

She doesn’t like his hair (or lack thereof), or his ears, or his mama, or his job, or the car he drives. He doesn’t make enough money, he has too much “baggage”, or he has a goofy laugh.

The most unusual reason I ever heard to reject a suitor was grammatical errors. The woman complained, “He is always ending his sentences with a preposition. I hate that! It is so annoying!”

I was tempted to point out to Ms. Grammarian that she split an infinitive in that first sentence. I could understand her rejection if she said that he always ends his sentences with an unwanted proposition, but not a preposition. It seems a bit nit-picky.

For example, on a first date with a woman, single men should keep in mind that this dinner conversation probably IS acceptable: “Hey, Baby, how about if you and I rumple the sheets tonight?” (Ends with an interesting proposition.)

This statement IS NOT acceptable: “Hey, Baby, you look like the kind of woman I’d like to rumple the sheets with.” (Ends with a preposition, which is grammatically incorrect. According to the single lady mentioned above, a real deal-killer.)

Acceptable: “I like to come home to a woman who is barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen.” (Ends with a proposition. Only interesting if that is the woman’s ultimate goal also.)

Unacceptable: “If you were barefoot and in the kitchen, you’d be the kind of woman I’d like to come home to.” (Ends with a preposition. Also grammatically awkward.)

Hopeful suitors should keep in mind that that the subject and predicate always should agree. Also, on a first date, dangling participles are very bad. As a matter of fact, it is not a good idea to have anything dangling on a first date, particularly at dinner. A real gentleman keeps everything snugly confined, both grammatically and sartorially.

I volunteered to coach my neighbor Warren before his blind date, so that he might make a good impression and not make any grammatical errors.

Warren was doing pretty well until he told his date,”You are just the kind of gal I hope to someday share the seven-year-itch with! Hey, where are you going, Miss? I could adjust my dangling participle! Miss?”

That idiot! What did I tell him about splitting infinitives, ending his sentences with a preposition, and dangling his participles?

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “HOW TO SNAG A MATE

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