I’m a hiker. After 30 years of hiking, I thought I had seen everything in the woods until I saw the man with no pants. Yep, a flasher. In a public park.

I stepped off the trail and there he stood across the parking lot when suddenly he unzipped and “released the beast.”

Yikes! Gross! Hey. Is that for real?! That can’t possibly be real! No wonder he wanted to show it off, the pervert!

If that man is not in the adult movie business, he is seriously missing his calling. He could be a pole dancer and bring his own pole. There is no way he could ever wear shorts and “go commando.” Not even Bermuda shorts; the kind that go all the way to your knees.

He took off running. He could run really fast for somebody DRAGGING AN ANCHOR! It probably had road rash. As he ran, it picked up bark chips and pieces of weeds and wildflowers from the trail. It was starting to look like a third grader’s craft project.

I was so shocked that I said nothing to anyone, but left a note for the park ranger,  and headed for home.

Someone from the park service called me as soon as I got home. It seems that it was not the guy’s first offense and they had been trying to catch him. As I said before…fast runner.

The park service guy asked, “Can you describe the perpetrator?”

“The what?” I asked. “I have never heard it called that before.”

“No, Ma’am, I mean what was he wearing?”

“What was he wearing?! No pants! That’s what he was wearing! I believe I said that in the note!”

“No,” he said, “I mean was there anything unusual about him?”

“Unusual? Well, there was something really unusual about either him or my husband. Not sure which. You tell me.”

“I think I know what you are implying, Ma’am. We have had other reports. Could you describe his…you know…his organ?”

“His organ? Gee, I have never been inside the man’s house, but he did not seem like the musical type. You can’t always tell, though. He could be a real virtuoso in his own home, although I don’t know what that has to do with his flashing in the park practices.

I don’t know much about piano and organ brands. Well, I know the Baldwin brand, but what that guy had was no ‘bald one,’ if you get my drift. Looked like he was smuggling squirrels out of the park. Ha-ha. Somebody should tell that guy about ‘manscaping.’ Walgreens sells depilatories on aisle six. Get the Weed-eater out, Sasquatch.”

After I finished giving the report to the ranger, I hung up and told my husband about the incident.

“And furthermore,” I said to him, “I am really mad at you!”

“You are mad at ME? What are you mad at me for?”

“You told me all men were about the same! You are such a liar! That’s what I get for marrying my first boyfriend at 19. I knew I should have shopped around more.”