After more than 30 years of hiking in the woods, I thought I’d seen everything. I stepped off the trail across from the parking lot, where I noticed a man standing at the other end, staring. When he saw me, he suddenly unzipped his pants and “released the beast.” Yep, a flasher. In a public park.

Yikes! Gross! Hey. Is that for real? That can’t possibly be real! No wonder he wanted to show it off, the pervert!

If that man is not in the adult movie business, he is seriously missing his calling. He could be a pole dancer and bring his own pole. There is no way he could ever wear shorts and “go commando.” Not even Bermuda shorts; the kind that go all the way to your knees.

He took off running. I almost caught him, but he could run really fast for somebody DRAGGING AN ANCHOR! It probably had road rash. As he ran, it picked up bark chips and pieces of weeds and wildflowers from the trail. It was starting to look like a third grader’s craft project.

I was so shocked I said nothing to anyone, but left a note for the park ranger,  and headed for home.

Someone from the park service called me as soon as I got home. It seems that it was not the guy’s first offense and they had been trying to catch him. As I said before…fast runner.

The park service guy asked, “Can you describe the perpetrator?”

“The what?” I asked. “I’ve never heard it called that before.”

“No, Ma’am, I mean what was he wearing?”

“What was he wearing? No pants! That’s what he was wearing! I believe I said that in the note.”

“No,” he said, “I mean was there anything unusual about him?”

“Unusual? Well, there was something really unusual about either him or my husband. Not sure which. You tell me.”

“I think I know what you are implying, Ma’am. We have had other reports. Could you describe his…you know…his organ?”

“His organ? I didn’t know he played the organ. How would I know that? I’ve never been inside the man’s house, but he didn’t seem like the musical type. You can’t always tell, though. He could be a real virtuoso, although I don’t know what that has to do with his flashing in the park practices. I may not know much about organs and pianos, but I know the Baldwin brand and what that guy was showing was no ‘bald one,’ if you get my drift. Looked like he was smuggling squirrels out of the park in his pants. Somebody should tell that guy about ‘manscaping.’ Walgreens sells depilatories on aisle six. Get the Weed-eater out, Sasquatch.”

After I finished giving the report to the ranger, I hung up and told my husband about the incident.

“And furthermore,” I said to him, “I am really mad at you!”

“You’re mad at ME? What are you mad at me for?”

“You told me all men were about the same size down there! You are such a liar! That’s what I get for marrying my first boyfriend at 19. I knew I should have shopped around more.”