“Sure, I can watch your house for you while you are out of town for a few days.”

I was flattered when my neighbors asked. I could handle this. No problem. I waved cheerily as I watched them drive away.

Hmmm, I thought, maybe I should go over there and make sure that the key they gave me works. I don’t think they will mind if I look around a bit. After all, I am doing them a favor.

Wow, look at all the food in their pantry! It’s a little disorganized. They probably would appreciate it if I straightened things up a bit.

While I am at it, I may as well eat this bag of potato chips. They will be outdated before she gets back. She wouldn’t want to eat stale chips. Also, I will do her a favor and eat these cookies. She could stand to lose a few pounds. She’ll thank me later.

I roamed through the house, leaving a trail of cookie crumbs, which I did not notice until I had ground them into the carpet. I found a sponge and some cleaning fluid under the sink and scrubbed the cookie stains. It worked. The stains were gone. Unfortunately so was all the color from the carpet.

I moved their recliner over the spot. Maybe they won’t notice. I didn’t like the way they had arranged their furniture anyway. It did not promote good traffic flow. I’ll just move the piano over here and the TV into this corner. That’s better.

Uh-oh. I have gouged the wall and chipped the paint. That’s okay; I don’t like the color anyway. I found some vivid purple enamel in the basement and repainted the living room. In my opinion, it looked much better. Oops. I spattered some paint on their white sofa. It’s their fault. Who buys a white sofa!? They should have known that it would show every little flaw. I moved a throw pillow over it. They will never notice it. Maybe they will be preoccupied with their admiration of all my improvements.

Drat! I got some paint on my shirt. Maybe there is something in her closet I can wear. I’ll put it back before they return.

Ooh, look! Her wedding dress! How beautiful! She won’t mind if I wear it just for today. It is not like she is going to wear it again anyway. Uh-oh. It’s a size four! I think I can make it work. It made me feel like a princess.

Boy, were they mad when they got home! I was still wearing the wedding dress, mainly because the zipper broke when I tried to zip it up and I couldn’t get it off. It was covered with food stains. My bulging midriff had popped the seams, probably because I had eaten the rest of their groceries.

She will be even more surprised when she washes her hair and finds out that I have added hair dye to her shampoo. She will make a much better looking brunette. She will thank me later.

Nine months from now, there may be a little addition to their family. I found her packet of birth control pills and replaced them with vitamins. In my opinion, they have waited long enough to start a family.

Once they get over the shock, do you think they will name the baby after me?

 

2 thoughts on “HOW TO GET FIRED AS A HOUSE-SITTER

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