So sang Ike and Tina Turner. Regardless of the deliverer, the message is the same: things are not always what they seem. I saw an ad by a Cincinnati jeweler which said, “Inspect it naked!” Later in the ad was the statement, “Hey, buying a diamond from us is exciting!” Well, it certainly stirred up some excitement when I showed up in my birthday suit to look at some diamonds. It seems that the ad meant that the diamonds were naked, meaning loose and unmounted. (There is a good dirty joke’s punchline in that phrase, but I am going to let it go right by. You’re welcome.)

Then I read a newspaper headline which said, “Licking Heads out of Banks.” For the rest of the week, every time I passed a bank, I pulled a knit cap over my head to protect it. Then I found out that the headline was a reference to possible flooding of the Licking River, which might send it out of its banks.

Several years ago, I read a headline which said, “Lazy Man’s Shower to be Visible Wednesday night.” I figured that would be my neighbor Mr. Maxwell, who is the laziest person I ever met. He wasn’t much to look at, but if he wanted to make a public spectacle of his monthly shower, I was willing to take a gander.

So Wednesday night I dragged out a lawn chair, a cooler of beer, and a pair of binoculars. Nothing happened! It seemed that the headline was the newspaper’s clever reference to a meteor shower that, unlike most, would be visible early in the evening. This would please those viewers too lazy to get out of bed for a typical very late meteor shower. What a rip-off!

In an ad praising the features of a new wall-mounted vacuum cleaner, it said, “You simply use a broom to sweep large masses over to the sleek baseboard mounted door. As soon as you open the door with your toe, the offering is gladly accepted by the vacuum cleaner spirit.”

The vacuum cleaner spirit? For years I have blamed my own carelessness when the vacuum cleaner gobbled up shoestrings, lamp cords, and bedspread fringe, only to discover that the real blame belongs to the evil spirit residing in my Eureka upright. I do not know what it wants with my household goods and I am afraid to ask.

According to the Associated Press, customs officials at Miami International Airport became suspicious when they noticed a man’s pants were wriggling and had “some ominous bulges in unusual places.” A search revealed that the man, a pet store owner, was smuggling 55 rare and valuable red-footed tortoises in his pants.

I am telling you, nothing is as it seems to be. Did you know there are no lions in the Lions Club and not a single veterinarian in the Bellevue Vets Club?

Never let it be said that this blog is not educational. You may take notes as follows:

Do not go to the jewelry store naked, your head is safe from licking while banking, your lazy neighbor will not be taking a public shower, and there is no evil spirit in your vacuum cleaner. Most importantly, if you see a man with wriggling, bulging pants, it probably is due to endangered reptiles. Just in case, ask him if he owns a pet store…or is just glad to see you.

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