If I had been a settler of the early American frontier, I would have been forced to approach the preparation of the Thanksgiving feast entirely differently.

At my house this year, the turkey came from the store frozen, the yams were in a can, and the dressing came out of a box. The rolls came premade and in a plastic bag. I did not grow the potatoes, the green beans, or the corn (which would have been referred to as maize back in the pioneer days). I feel like such a fraud.

Next year is going to be different. I am going old-school. Here is the plan I have mapped out.

I am going to take a cue from some of my rural neighbors. Next year I will hunt and kill my own turkey for the Thanksgiving table. I have seen flocks of them roaming unfettered and wild in the woods around my house.

I have hunted turkey only once and in spite of the fact that life-long hunters have told me that they are very hard to successfully hunt and kill, I was able to get one on the first shot. Got him right in the chest. It was the shot of a real marksman. However, I am not allowed in that grocery store anymore.

I have also been warned that the turkeys you shoot in the wild do not come already stuffed and ready for the oven. I have thought of a way around that omission.

The day before the hunt, I will go to the field where I plan to start the hunt and scatter a box of dry Stove Top stuffing. The turkeys will eat the stuffing. Then when I shoot one of the turkeys, it will already be stuffed, saving lots of prep time in the kitchen. It will also save me the task of shoving it into the turkey’s “nether regions” myself. Let’s face it; it’s disgusting!

I have made it a life-long rule never to insert my hand into an animal’s body cavity. This is the policy that got me kicked out of veterinary school. I have heard that a veterinarian’s job often requires him or her to insert an arm all the way to the shoulder into an animal’s rear exit. I am not going there.

It should be easy to shoot a wild turkey. Everyone says that turkeys are really dumb, although how they know that is a mystery. It is not like anyone has given them an I.Q. test or allowed them to apply for membership in the Mensa organization. If I were you, I would not ask one to do your taxes or troubleshoot your computer.

I believe that the only two thoughts in their pea-sized brains are to find food and to mate; not unlike most of the boys I dated in high school. If you were to X-ray the brain of the average teenaged boy, all it would show is pizza and porn, not necessarily in that order. If you are a teenaged boy and are offended by that remark, I apologize, although I still believe it.

Also, the phrase “nether regions” has nothing to do with the country of The Netherlands. I found that out when I called a travel agent and tried to book a vacation to the nether regions for the tulip festival. Make a note of it.

Meanwhile, I have started plowing a garden area in my yard so that I can plant the other items I will need. Does anybody know if dinner rolls grow from plants I can buy at the garden store, or do I have to grow them from seeds?

 

 

 

 

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