Lately I have been intrigued by media reports of people who believe they have seen signs of divinity in everyday objects.
Among the sightings were the face of Jesus on a tortilla shell, deceased rock star Jim Morrison in a cloud formation, country singer Willie Nelson in a plate of spaghetti, the Virgin Mary on a street light reflection, and the devil’s image in a bowl of cornflakes. These sightings encouraged thousands of believers to make pilgrimages to these new spiritual shrines.
I sense there is the potential here to make a great deal of money. Just when I was pondering how I could get in on the action, I spotted a rust stain on the side of my above-ground pool that looked remarkably like game show host Alex Trebek; at least it did after I scratched a mustache on it with a screwdriver.
I could have sworn that I heard Trebek, a Canadian, gurgle from the pump motor, “If you build it, they will come, eh?”
So I built a small shrine over the filter with Lincoln Logs and installed an elaborate sound system. The theme from Jeopardy now emanates from speakers strategically placed in the mouths of plastic squirrels hidden in the weeds nearby.
That night Alex appeared to me in a dream. He told me that viewers of his show who feel ignorant because they never know any of the correct responses should be immersed in the deep end of the pool and a miracle would occur.
The same person who previously could not remember where he parked his car at the mall would now be able to impress his friends and family by stating confidently, “I’ll take “Danish devil worshipers” for $1,000, Alex. After hearing an audio daily double, he would correctly respond, “What was the theme song to Pee Wee’s Playhouse?”
In my dream, Alex told me that I should charge $89.95 for this miraculous dip in my pool, $29.95 for the commemorative T-shirt, and $9.95 for a replica of a hand-held buzzer.
This endeavor should put my town on the map, or at least in the pages of the tabloids. The headline will read, “Shroud of Turin and Song of Bernadette joined by the Temple of Trebek.
I’m going to be rich!