Studies show that women handle family finances in over 70 percent of households. My husband’s method, which consists of thrifty habits and well-researched and secure investments, is effective, but dull. He still believes that before you make a purchase, you should assess the need, compare prices, then go to a store and pay cash.
How archaic can you get? Everybody knows that online shopping with a credit card is the way to go.
The packages soon began to arrive. All I had to do was give out my credit card number and my purchases would show up at my front door a few days later. I was drunk with power. Everything was going swimmingly until my husband began to complain about the clutter.
“What is all this junk in the shower stall?” he asked.
“It’s a complete set of Rolling Stones hits, as performed by Zamfir on the pan flute. I got a great deal; it’s a collectors’ item.”
“But it’s on eight-track,” he said. “Who owns an eight-track any more?”
“We do. Two dozen of them, as a matter of fact,” I answered. “It was the special of the day on the Bargain-Sale-a-Thon. I’m going to try to sell them for a profit on eBay.”
“Maybe I’d better go over this months bills and receipts with you,” he said. “What’s this receipt from Zoo Designs Unlimited?”
“That’s for a tiny poncho, sombrero, and leash for a pet iguana.”
“We don’t have a pet iguana,” he said.
“Well, actually we do,” I said. “Iggy’s not here right now, though. The poncho was way too tight, so I sent him to Lizard Lounge Health Farm to slim down. Only $1600 dollars a week. He should be home Friday.”
“You haven’t spent our savings for the Hawaiian vacation, have you?” he asked.
“Don’t panic,” I said. “I just made a few changes. Instead of Hawaii, we’ll be going to Hollywood. I signed us up for a tour of the homes of famous movie and television stars. Look at this list: Erik Estrada, Sally Struthers, Don Knotts. At the end of the tour, one lucky tourist will win the grand prize of a Charley’s Angels lunch box, a dream date with David Cassidy, and a walk-on part as Vinnie Barbarino’s girlfriend on Welcome Back Kotter.”
“Isn’t that kind of dated?” he asked. “David Cassidy passed away in 2017 and Welcome Back Kotter was cancelled in 1979. And look at the brochure for the tour. The luncheon special is the President Jimmy Carter Peanut Butter Sandwich. Look at the prices ! This is ridiculous. We’re going to have to sell off some of our stocks and bonds to pay off the cancellation fee.”
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that,” I said. “I sold all the stocks and bonds. Too risky. Entrepreneurship is the secret to success. Remember that guy who came up with the concept of the pet rock in the 1960s? It made him a millionaire. I’ve invested all our money in the breeding of hinnies. It’s a cross between a stallion and a donkey. I plan to market them as a pollution-free alternative to automobiles.
“I am trying to work out an endorsement deal with the surviving relatives of Sonia Henie, the ten-time world champion Norwegian ice skater who won the gold medal for figure skating at the 1928 Olympics.
“What do you think of this advertising slogan, ‘Put your hiney on a Sonya Henie hinney, Honey.’?
“Hey, where are you going, Dear? I still owe 14 payments on that luggage!”