It was a road surface so full of ruts and potholes that after driving over it, I had to pull over to the side of the road to retrieve my tooth fillings, my contact lenses, and my left ovary from the floorboard of the car. For months there’d been a sign posted there stating, “Rough Road Ahead,” yet I never saw any workers nearby and no sign of progress being made.

It’s as if the Road Department were saying,”Yeah, we know there’s a problem. We’ll get around to fixing it eventually.” I think these guys are onto something. Think of the time, money, and energy we could save if we never had to correct a problem, as long as we publicly acknowledged that it existed.

I immediately put this theory into practice. Everywhere I go I carry index cards, a permanent marker, and a roll of duct tape. I no longer bother to fix my hair; I just tape a sign to my forehead reading, “Bad Hair Day.” As I leave the house, I post on the door a sign that says, “Messy House.”

If I don’t feel like fixing supper, I tape a sign to my husband’s plate that reads, “Burnt leftovers.” When we climb into bed at night, I tape a sign to my forehead reading, “Not Tonight. I Have a Headache.” He grabbed the marker and wrote, “Potential Divorcee” on it. My house is wallpapered with signs that say things like, “Scummy Bathtub,” “Dirty Laundry,” “Dirty Windows,” and “Stopped-up Toilet.”

The last time I ventured out into my formerly well-manicured lawn, it was like a jungle out there. I’d quit mowing the grass and the lush vegetation and wild grasses were nearly brushing the eaves. As I slung the elephant gun over my khaki-clad shoulder and headed into the yard, the grandchildren sobbed, “Grandma, don’t go! What if you never find your way back?” My husband said, with a quiver in his voice betraying his anxiety, “Are you sure you want to go out there?”

“I must,” I said. “Our supplies are dangerously low, the children are hungry, and I have to post this ‘Tall Grass’ sign in the yard so the neighbors will know I’m aware of it and will get around to it eventually.”

My new lifestle is working great! You wouldn’t believe the spare time I now have to read, watch television, and play Words With Friends on my phone.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s