My friend Marquita brought to my attention that I’ve become predictable. She said it would be impossible for me to write about anything other than chocolate, bodily functions, or sex. She has wounded me deeply.

I’m capable of very deep thoughts, in spite of my shallow mind. Indeed, I’ve often participated in in “think tanks,” in which we deep thinkers do extensive research and problem solving. Well, maybe it wasn’t so grandiose as a think tank; more like a think cistern. Oh, all right, it was a think tub, and I was the only person in it at the time, but I assure you research and problem solving were taking place. For instance, did you know if you get your big toe stuck in the tub’s faucet, it’ll take the rescue squad 28 minutes to extricate you; 48 minutes if you include the time the paramedics spent rolling around on the floor laughing.

This week, I’m determined to make no mention of chocolate, bodily functions, or sex. Instead, I will enlighten the public while maintaining the standards of good taste. Therefore, the topic of this blog is legumes. Lest you think I am the only writer to ponder the social significance of legumes, more commonly known as beans, allow me to quote from some of the masters.

Henry David Thoreau wrote, “I was determined to know beans.”

Robert Smith Surtees wrote, “Full o’ beans and benevolence.”

In the words of William Shakespeare, “I jest to Oberon, and make him smile when I a fat and bean-fed horse beguile.”

It wouldn’t be wise to beguile a fat and bean-fed horse, especially if you were standing behind him. Oops, that came perilously close to a bodily function reference. Sorry.

Many tasty and useful products are made from beans. Among them is chocolate, which is made of roasted cacao beans. Oops, there’s a chocolate reference. My apologies.

I once read on the internet that astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before a space flight because passing gas in a space suit damages them. Hmm, it didn’t say if they meant it damages the space suits or the astronauts. If there is no vent in the space suit, I can see the possibility that the suit may explode under that kind of pressure. Uh-oh, that’s another bodily function reference. A thousand pardons.

Did you know that castor oil, a yellowish oil used as a cathartic and a lubricant, is a bean product? That is one of the definitions of castor oil. The other is, “strong, smelly, oily substance obtained from the sexual glands of a beaver.”

In light of my promise to maintain the standards of good taste, and to deny my friend Marquita the right to say, “I told you so,” I’m going to show remarkable restraint and let that excellent piece of dirty joke fodder go unanswered. You’re welcome.

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4 thoughts on “ll Bet You Don’t Know Beans About Beans

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