I grew up in a rural area, but as a townie, so I don’t know much about farming. When I went to the farm supply store with my raised-on-a-farm friend Marquita and saw the sign which advertized, “Back Rubs, Sows $29.95, Cattle $34.95,” I was befuddled. I wasn’t aware that farm animals were under such stress that they needed massage therapy. Is that even legal? I wondered who provided that service and asked Marquita how much it paid.

“That’s not what it means, Denise,” she said. “It’s a method of…”

“Is the staff of this store operating an illegal massage parlor in the back room,” I interupted, “where pigs and cows lie on padded tables while white-coated masseurs stroke their heaving flanks with exotic scented oils? Everybody knows that massage parlors are often thinly disguised coverups for illicit and immoral activities. Sure, livestock breeders SAY they propagate the line by artificial inseminaton, but do we really believe that? I’m horrified! What if this scandal hits the press?”

“Denise, I’m trying to tell you…”

“This could be the ticket to a Pulitzer Prize in investigative journalism, Marquita. I’m going to expose this scandal. I’ll borrow my neighbor’s bull, Manuel and pay a little after-hours visit to this store. I’ll hand the clerk $34.95 and say, “Manuel is very lonely (wink, wink) and desperately needs a soothing back rub. There’s an extra fifty bucks in it for you if you’ll keep in mind that Manuel has a special fondness for Holstein heifers with very large udders.”

“Denise, please stop…”

“Oh, there’s no stopping me now! Little will they know that Manuel has been fitted with a Go-Pro camera. I’m certain it will reveal a lavish back-room livestock lounge, where farm animals in town for a convention are plied with cheap liquor and coerced into engaging in sinful activities.

We must rid our community of the vile sin of animal massage! Let’s wipe out this scourge before our town becomes a veritable hotbed of corruption; the seedy underbelly of the animal kingdom! If we let this slide, what’s next? Gambling cassinos for poultry? Strip joints where sheep are sheared on stage to a sultry recording of “I Only Have Eyes for Ewe?” I’m outraged! Why, when I get through with this issue…what’s that, Marquita? Back Rubs for cows are just rolls of insecticide-soaked burlap hung between two poles? As cows walk under them, it distributes the insecticide on their backs and repels parasites like lice, flees, and ticks? So then it has nothing to do with illicit activities? Oh. Never mind, then.”

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