When I worked in the guidance office in a local school, I once jokingly told a student I’d accept a bribe of quality chocolate in exchange for changing his failing grades to all A’s. He thought for a moment that I meant it. I’d never even consider such a dishonest thing. Well, ok, I might have considered it and immediately rejected it. Well, not immediately, but ultimately.

Even though I would not exchange grades for chocolate, I am, of course, willing to accept chocolate as a harmless gesture of good will and fellowship. Chocolate is a gift from the Gods, especially if it’s combined with peanut butter.

I once pointed out to the other secretary, about a parent who’d just left the office, “I don’t know what it is about him, but I found that man irresistible.”

“He was wearing a t-shirt that was printed to look just like a Reese’s Cup wrapper,” she said.

“Ah, that’d be it,” I replied.

Acoording to food and nutrition experts (there’s a job I’d be willing to apply for), chocolate has gotten a bad rap. Unlike previously believed, it does not raise chosterol, promote tooth decay, or cause acne, headaches, or hyperactivity. It does contain trace amounts of caffeine, but far less than a cup of coffee or a glass of cola.

Chocolate makes milk easier to digest and boosts “feel good” chemicals in the brain. It contains a high content of chromium, which is thought to help control blood sugar. In lab tests, animals will drink less alcohol when given a chocolate drink as an alternative.

I really should try harder to control my chocolate addiction, though, because of the excess calories. At least now I know where to turn for help. A British entrepeneur claims to have the answer. He has invented a patch which, when worn on the wrist, is said to curb chocolate cravings. The theory is that the patch so overloads the nose with chocolate aroma that the wearer won’t want to eat any. I don’t get the reasoning there. I found that the patch doesn’t taste half bad when smeared with peanut butter, then rolled up and eaten like an enchilada.

I also have invested in Tommy Hilfiger’s Sweet Stix line of lipsticks in six yummy flavors, one of which is called Chocolate Frosting. Painted on my fingernails is a nail polish called Stuck, which is an orangy-brown polish with a peanut butter scent. Once it has been painted on your nails, the fragrance intensifies and lasts up to 72 hours.

Then for only $9.95, I purchased something called Chocolate Perfume, which smells like milk chocolate fudge. A chocolate aerosol mist now surrounds me like a heavenly aura. For a finishing touch, an extra smear of that Chocolate Frosting scented lipstick across my lips and I am ready for a night out.

Perhaps just a little more across my upper lip and…sniff…my, that does smell devine…sniff…a touch more here and…chomp! It’s a bit waxy in texture, but not too bad when washed down with a tall glass of cold chocolate milk.

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