I’m puzzled by the trend of numerous body piercings. Their only purpose seems to be ornamentation. When I worked at the local high school, a young lady with a tiny gold hoop sticking through her eyebrow came into the office. It was impossible to concentrate on what she was saying, so distracted was I by the ring, dancing and twinkling in the light. I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It was hypnotic. It was like driving past the scene of an accident. You don’t want to look, but you can’t help yourself.

Some people have gold studs dotting the edges of their ears like rows of upholstery tacks on the graceful leg of a Queen Anne-era chaise. Others have rings in their noses and navels, studs in their tongues, and assorted jewelry items in various sensitive areas not visible (thank God) to the average passerby.

If I planned to undergo the stress and pain of poking a few more holes in my body, it would have to serve some useful porpose. Ornamentation just isn’t reason enough.

For instance, I read about a hair replacement company which markets snap-on toupees. Several holes are drilled directly into the skull and permanent snaps are inserted into the holes. Then corresponding halves of the snaps are sewn into the cap of a toupee, allowing the balding patron to snap his toupee securely to his scalp, kind of like nailing a slippery throw rug directly to the wooden floor. Sure it sounds painful, but at least it’s useful.

I’d be willing to drill some holes into my shoulders if, instead of gold jewelry, I could have a pair of coathooks inserted into the new holes. Think how handy that would be. How many times have you wished for an extra pair of hands? This could be just as good.

We could hang our purses from them. We could walk several dogs at the same time. We could carry all the plastic bags of groceries into the house in one trip. We could tether our young children and/or grandchildren to them, so they couldn’t wander off at the mall.

Imagine how useful they would be on the holidays! On the Fourth of July we could hang American flags from them. Every Christmas we could drape them with tinsel and ornaments.

No more balancing our food and drinks on our laps at parties. We could suspend a tray from our shoulder hooks, just like Frisch’s car hops used to do back in the 1960s. As an added bonus, this would eliminate all those dribbles and crumbs which fall upon those of us with ample bosoms, staining our best blouses. They’d fall on the tray instead.

And as gravity and age take a toll on our no-longer perky and youthful physiques, we could use those hooks for an elaborate block-and-tackle setup, and an intricate system of pulleys and levers to hoist everything up and allow us to maintain an illusion of a youthful profile. We could lift those bosoms so high that we’d appear to have a case of bilateral goiter.

I wonder what time the patent office opens tomorrow.

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