My friend Marie has always yearned for a more voluptuous figure. She has tried every gimmick on the market in her attempt to display a more impressive profile. Her undergarments are marvels of ingenuity and monuments to the art of optical illusion. He latest purchase is a bra padded with, according to the tag, paraffin…
CUSTOMER SERVICE IS TERMINALLY ILL
Remember back in the 1960s when real people used to pump your car's gas while checking the oil and tire pressure? Remember when, no matter what type of eating establishment you went to, a real person took your lunch order, brought the food to the table, and when you were finished whisked the dishes away?…
GET OFF MY BACK, YOU SANTA FREAKS!
That was my response to my neighbors' persistent whining about my lack of holiday spirit. I refuse to yield to the pressure of members of what I call the Conspicuous Kilowatt Consumption Club, whose homes are so lit up that the dials of their electric meters are spinning like the propellers on a B-57. Last…
THE SEEDY UNDERBELLY OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM
I was not aware until recently that farm animals were under such stress that they may need massage therapy. While I was in a farm supply store recently, I saw a small, hand-lettered sign which said, "Back Rubs: sows $600. cattle $850." This bears further investigation. Is the staff of the local farm store operating…
IF BROADWAY RECREATED BIBLICAL TIMES
When cable tv airs a Christmas special about Biblical times, is it really necessary to run a disclaimer in the caption that informs the viewer that, "This is a re-enactment"? Well, no kidding. I thought the entire Bible was a Broadway production produced by God, directed by the late great director Cecil B. DeMille, and…
YOU NEED A PERMIT FROM PETA FOR THAT
In a guilt-induced effort to get involved in the holiday spirit, I attempted to bring together, in a live, three-dimensional format, all twelve verses of the song, The Twelve Days of Christmas" on my front lawn. For the last decade, my sole contribution to outdoor Christmas decorations has been the placement of wreaths on the…
OVER THE BORDER WITHOUT A PASSPORT
If Lucy, the GPS voice in your car, directs you to take the next exit to reach your destination, keep in mind that sometimes Lucy is a lying bitch and a troublemaker. If you are ever visiting friends and relatives in Erie, Pennsylvania and decide to make a side trip to visit Niagra Falls, be…
