My mom died last week, just 10 days before Mother's Day. This is my first Mother's Day as an orphan. I am in my 60's, but that's the way it feels. You are never ready to lose your mom. In her last few years, Mom suffered from Alzheimer's. She did not always recognize her children.…
TORTURED ANGUISH AT THE HEFTY HIDE-AWAY
It is once again that time of year when full-figured women engage in that annual ritual which fills us with despair: bathing suit shopping. My whole family suffers from wildly fluctuating weight. We know more about yo-yo-ing than the Duncan Yo-Yo Company. We always meant to get a group photo taken if we were all…
A TEMPLE TO ALEX TREBEK
Lately I have been intrigued by media reports of people who believe they have seen signs of divinity in everyday objects. Among the sightings were the face of Jesus on a tortilla shell, deceased rock star Jim Morrison in a cloud formation, country singer Willie Nelson in a plate of spaghetti, the Virgin Mary on…
HOW TO DRIVE YOUR PARENTS TO DRINK; A GUIDE WRITTEN BY TEENS, FOR TEENS
When I decided to have a child many years ago, I did not say to my husband, "Honey, let's have a baby so that about 13 years from now he can point out on a daily basis how stupid and square we are. It will keep us humble." Having a teen in the house proved…
A CARNIVORE’S EXCUSE TO BE MEAN AND CRANKY
PMS was always my excuse to be rude and argumentative, but that excuse worked for only a few days a month. My friend Janice has a theory that could prove to be an excuse useful for a full 365 days a year. When I said to Janice, "I am feeling downright peckish today," she replied,…
CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SOME MAGIC PRETZEL DUST?
I saw an ad for a snack company advertising its "great" new snack idea: pretzel pieces. Yes, a bag of broken pretzels, such as they used to throw away. By clever marketing and manipulation of the psyches of suckers (oops, I mean consumers), a manufacturer's former waste product is being promoted as an exciting new…
THE DANGERS OF ARTIFICIAL ENHANCEMENT
My friend Marie has always yearned for a more voluptuous figure. She has tried every gimmick on the market in her attempt to display a more impressive profile. Her undergarments are marvels of ingenuity and monuments to the art of optical illusion. He latest purchase is a bra padded with, according to the tag, paraffin…
