GET OFF MY BACK, YOU SANTA FREAKS!

That was my response to my neighbors' persistent whining about my lack of holiday spirit. I refuse to yield to the pressure of members of what I call the Conspicuous Kilowatt Consumption Club, whose homes are so lit up that the dials of their electric meters are spinning like the propellers on a B-57. Last…

THE SEEDY UNDERBELLY OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

I was not aware until recently that farm animals were under such stress that they may need massage therapy. While I was in a farm supply store recently, I saw a small, hand-lettered sign which said, "Back Rubs: sows $600. cattle $850." This bears further investigation. Is the staff of the local farm store operating…

IF BROADWAY RECREATED BIBLICAL TIMES

When cable tv airs a Christmas special about Biblical times, is it really necessary to run a disclaimer in the caption that informs the viewer that, "This is a re-enactment"? Well, no kidding. I thought the entire Bible was a Broadway production produced by God, directed by the late great director Cecil B. DeMille, and…

YOU NEED A PERMIT FROM PETA FOR THAT

In a guilt-induced effort to get involved in the holiday spirit, I attempted to bring together, in a live, three-dimensional format, all twelve verses of the song, The Twelve Days of Christmas" on my front lawn. For the last decade, my sole contribution to outdoor Christmas decorations has been the placement of wreaths on the…