Our 62-inch Panasonic TV, which we've christened Pansy, isn't just a box of electronics, she's a beloved member of the family. We're retired. Frankly, we spend more time with Pansy than any other member of the family. Without her, how would we know the mating habits of migrating elk, Whoopie Goldberg's opinion on global warming,…

According to Google, the word "gullible" is defined as, "easily cheated or tricked; credulous." My picture is next to the definition. It's a strange world out there. How is a person to know what is real and what is false? I know a young man who was assaulted in an office setting. Another man grabbed…

When I worked in the guidance office in a local school, I once jokingly told a student I'd accept a bribe of quality chocolate in exchange for changing his failing grades to all A's. He thought for a moment that I meant it. I'd never even consider such a dishonest thing. Well, ok, I might…

I'm puzzled by the trend of numerous body piercings. Their only purpose seems to be ornamentation. When I worked at the local high school, a young lady with a tiny gold hoop sticking through her eyebrow came into the office. It was impossible to concentrate on what she was saying, so distracted was I by…

Did you know that the theft of used restaurant grease has become a multimillion-dollar industry? Me, either. I read in the newspaper that professional grease thieves can earn tens of thousands of dollars a year by sneaking up to the grease recycle bins behind restaurants and vacuuming out large amounts of left-over hamburger fat, french…

On the Christmas sale ad were the words, "Come look at Santa's futons, dropped off just in time for Christmas." It's a shame Santa's futons dropped off, but I don't think I want to go look at them. Are they floating around in a jar of formaldehyde like my cousin Linwood's gall stones? What part…

When cable tv aired a Christmas special about Biblical times, was it really necessary to run a disclaimer, "This is a re-enactment." Well, no kidding. I thought the entire Bible was a Broadway show produced by God, directed by the late great director Cecil B. DeMille. I can imagine DeMille calling God to let him…

Great, I thought. I'm probably going to be on the news tomorrow. "Kentucky woman has mental breakdown in the middle of Lake Erie." I was teetering on the brink of hysteria and my friend Marquita was humming a tune I recognized as a 1960s hit, "When you're feeling low and the fish won't bite, a…

As I lay in bed, alternately groaning and blowing my sodden nose, my husband came into the room and asked how I was feeling. After a prolonged fit of coughing and sneezing, I attempted to rouse myself from my feverish, disoriented state and said, "Did you see that? I believe one of my lungs just…

On the very day I received in the mail my first invitation to join AARP (American Association of Retired Persons), a varicose vein popped out on my leg. It crept its way up my leg from ankle to calf to thigh like a mole working its way across a manicured lawn, even more noticeable because…