In a guilt-induced effort to get involved in the holiday spirit, I attempted to bring together, in a live, three-dimensional format, all twelve verses of the song, The Twelve Days of Christmas" on my front lawn. For the last decade, my sole contribution to outdoor Christmas decorations has been the placement of wreaths on the…
OVER THE BORDER WITHOUT A PASSPORT
If Lucy, the GPS voice in your car, directs you to take the next exit to reach your destination, keep in mind that sometimes Lucy is a lying bitch and a troublemaker. If you are ever visiting friends and relatives in Erie, Pennsylvania and decide to make a side trip to visit Niagra Falls, be…
AN ATTEMPT AT MIND CONTROL ENDS BADLY
It was a psychological experiment gone horribly awry. The objective? To test the power of the spoken word and its subsequent effect on the human psyche. The victim? My friend Ben, a pacifist so mellow that it would require the use of powerful pharmaceutical stimulants to bring him up to the level of a catatonic…
THE CITY SLICKER AND THE COUNTRY BUMPKIN
Never ask someone whose childhood nickname was Miss Prissy to go on a hiking trip with you. It never ends well. My sister had never been the outdoorsy type, not even when we were kids. My favorite place to be was up a tree or wading in a creek. Hers was indoors in a make-believe…
ITS BACK TO THE PIONEER DAYS FOR ME NEXT THANKSGIVING
If I had been a settler of the early American frontier, I would have been forced to approach the preparation of the Thanksgiving feast entirely differently. At my house this year, the turkey came from the store frozen, the yams were in a can, and the dressing came out of a box. The rolls came…
THE HIDDEN MESSAGES IN NURSERY RHYMES
Giving up my addiction was much harder than I had anticipated. I attended weeks of meetings before I had the strength to stand before the other addicts and state, "My name is Denise, and I am a television addict." The psychiatrist I went to was no help. "Do you realize," she said, "that television is…
THE WORLD’S OLDEST PROFESSION?
When I graduated from high school, I was naive and aimless. While leafing through a magazine, I found the name and phone number of a career counselor named Herb. Maybe he could provide some direction. "What are your interests," asked Herb. Are you interested in retail work? No? Maybe food service? No? Agriculture? Do you…
