Levity & Brevity

When I worked in the guidance office in a local school, I once jokingly told a student I'd accept a bribe of quality chocolate in exchange for changing his failing grades to all A's. He thought for a moment that I meant it. I'd never even consider such a dishonest thing. Well, ok, I might…

I'm puzzled by the trend of numerous body piercings. Their only purpose seems to be ornamentation. When I worked at the local high school, a young lady with a tiny gold hoop sticking through her eyebrow came into the office. It was impossible to concentrate on what she was saying, so distracted was I by…

Did you know that the theft of used restaurant grease has become a multimillion-dollar industry? Me, either. I read in the newspaper that professional grease thieves can earn tens of thousands of dollars a year by sneaking up to the grease recycle bins behind restaurants and vacuuming out large amounts of left-over hamburger fat, french…

On the Christmas sale ad were the words, "Come look at Santa's futons, dropped off just in time for Christmas." It's a shame Santa's futons dropped off, but I don't think I want to go look at them. Are they floating around in a jar of formaldehyde like my cousin Linwood's gall stones? What part…

When cable tv aired a Christmas special about Biblical times, was it really necessary to run a disclaimer, "This is a re-enactment." Well, no kidding. I thought the entire Bible was a Broadway show produced by God, directed by the late great director Cecil B. DeMille. I can imagine DeMille calling God to let him…

Great, I thought. I'm probably going to be on the news tomorrow. "Kentucky woman has mental breakdown in the middle of Lake Erie." I was teetering on the brink of hysteria and my friend Marquita was humming a tune I recognized as a 1960s hit, "When you're feeling low and the fish won't bite, a…

As I lay in bed, alternately groaning and blowing my sodden nose, my husband came into the room and asked how I was feeling. After a prolonged fit of coughing and sneezing, I attempted to rouse myself from my feverish, disoriented state and said, "Did you see that? I believe one of my lungs just…

On the very day I received in the mail my first invitation to join AARP (American Association of Retired Persons), a varicose vein popped out on my leg. It crept its way up my leg from ankle to calf to thigh like a mole working its way across a manicured lawn, even more noticeable because…

I grew up in a rural area, but as a townie, so I don't know much about farming. When I went to the farm supply store with my raised-on-a-farm friend Marquita and saw the sign which advertized, "Back Rubs, Sows $29.95, Cattle $34.95," I was befuddled. I wasn't aware that farm animals were under such…

If you have a shallow mind and can think deep thoughts, you, too, can become a successful columnist or blogger and earn a fraction as much as you can by wearing a paper hat, standing behind a small window, and asking, "Do you want fries with that?" I once got a call from a reader…