I never thought I would live long enough to see the day that fake dead animals would become a fashion and novelty craze. I think it started years ago with Big Mouth Billy Bass, the fake fish, mounted on a plaque, that moves and sings. A reporter for the Washington Post referred to Bill the…
REMEMBER WHEN IT WAS CALLED “LIVING IN SIN?”
It is tough to have the rug yanked out from you, metaphorically speaking, especially when you are of an age when a fall could result in a broken hip. A few years ago, my mom and I were reminiscing about my long-ago wedding when she casually mentioned, "I wonder whatever happened to the minister who…
THE GRIM REAPER SCRIMMAGE
My whole family is sports impaired. Only one thing causes our competitive drive to shift out of neutral and into turbo: our health. It becomes a lot like a game show or a televised sporting event. There is no emcee, no audience, and no prize money, but the competition is weirdly fierce. After a particularly…
CALL 911 AND SEND IN A SEARCH PARTY
I summoned my courage and plunged into the shadowy abyss, gingerly picking my route. I knew the washing machine was down there somewhere amidst the rusty bicycles, half-empty cans of petrified paint, and boxes of clothing that I haven't been able to squeeze into since the Kennedy administration. I knew things had gotten out of…
MOM WAS A STRIPPER?
For one brief moment, back in the 1960s, I thought just maybe my family was more interesting than my adolescent mind had believed. While on our way to visit my grandparents in Michigan, Mom pointed out the window and said, "Look, kids, that's where I used to strip!" I had always thought my family tree…
FIRST MOTHER’S DAY WITHOUT MOM
My mom died last week, just 10 days before Mother's Day. This is my first Mother's Day as an orphan. I am in my 60's, but that's the way it feels. You are never ready to lose your mom. In her last few years, Mom suffered from Alzheimer's. She did not always recognize her children.…
TORTURED ANGUISH AT THE HEFTY HIDE-AWAY
It is once again that time of year when full-figured women engage in that annual ritual which fills us with despair: bathing suit shopping. My whole family suffers from wildly fluctuating weight. We know more about yo-yo-ing than the Duncan Yo-Yo Company. We always meant to get a group photo taken if we were all…
