People should not eat all they can eat. Some of us consider that a challenge to be met. Like many Americans, I am a high-volume eater. Given a choice between a perfectly grilled filet mignon and a box of store-brand macaroni and cheese, I am apt to choose the macaroni. Just like the old theater…
PUNXATAWNY PHIL IS A FRAUD
The lamest holiday of them all has to be Groundhog Day, when Phil, the groundhog mascot of Punxatawny, Pennsylvania, comes out of his hole. Legend has it that if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter. Nobody mentions the fact that, whether he sees his shadow or not, there will…
I’M AFRAID TO ASK, BUT WHERE’D MY BAR OF SOAP GO MID-SHOWER?
It seems that everything from shoestrings to refrigerators has been designed to self-destruct. What has happened to the quality of American goods? Do the manufacturers think we have not noticed the rising prices, shrinking packages, and decline in quality? No manufacturer would stoop to such dishonest and unethical practice, would they? Hah! Let's start with…
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING: I’D RATHER BE LOCKED UP FOR THE DURATION
I swore it wouldn't happen again this year. If I braved the crowds and the traffic and the inclement weather and ventured into the malls on the Friday after Thanksgiving (the biggest shopping day of the year), this time would be different. I would remain cool, calm, and collected, bubbling with good cheer and holiday…
PRESTO-CHANGO: UNDERGARMENTS THAT TAKE YOU FROM FLAT TO FABULOUS
Women's undergarments are a lot like the art of magic, in that a combination of misdirection of the viewer's attention and hidden wires and trap doors results in the illusion that something has been made of nothing or that nothing has been made of too much of something. All that is really happening is that…
WHAT’S SCARIER THAN THE NEWS?
This morning's horoscope said that I should confront my fears today. I find it ironic that this advice appeared in the newspaper. These days there is nothing scarier than the news. As if impeachment, world-wide terrorism, and mass shootings were not scary enough, in an effort to attract more viewers to the late-night news, the…
FROM ONE RENTED ROOM TO A CONVERTED CHICKEN COOP; LIFE IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION
Our grandparents who grew up during The Great Depression could teach us all a thing or two about self-sacrifice and financial hardship. It did not mean ordering the Porterhouse steak instead of the rib-eye or drinking Polar Springs bottled water instead of Perrier. Depression-era children, now elderly or deceased, told me that once you truly…
MY PLAN TO BE A BALD, CROTCHETY, ECCENTRIC OLD LADY
I do not intend to grow old gracefully. I am not happy about the process, but as the saying goes, "it beats the alternative. "My health has held up pretty well, in spite of assorted aches and pains which have no known cause and for which apparently there is no known cure. My doctor's favorite…
GET YOUR GRUBBY HANDS OFF MY HERSHEY’S KISS!
The store shelves are stocked from floor to ceiling with bags of delicious treats. Bakery windows beckon passersby with aromatic displays of pumpkin-shaped cookies and cupcakes decorated with bright orange icing and sugar-spun spiders. We all have our weaknesses. Mine is candy and other sweet treats and we now are entering the most difficult time…
MY DOG’S SMARTER THAN YOUR DOG
I am going to retire from the "my dog's smarter than your dog" competition. None of the dogs I have ever owned had any skills other than eating, sleeping, and loving me, and that was enough. On the other hand, my friends are often trying to one-up each other in the competition. They never brag…
