I need a tiara. Yes, I want a bejeweled headdress so large and sparkly that onlookers will have to view me through a pinhole in a piece of cardboard as if I were an eclipse, or they may be blinded by the glare. My escorts (because of course, I would have handsome escorts) would require…
HOW TO GET THROWN OUT OF THE BUTCHER SHOP
"What is the cow's recovery time for beef brisket removal surgery?" I asked the butcher as I stood in front of his glass case at the supermarket. "What the heck is beef brisket, anyway? I mean I hope the cow wasn't too seriously injured by the removal of its brisket." "Recovery time? Ma'am, there was…
SORRY, WE ARE ALL OUT OF POSSUM AND SPAM
The late Euell Gibbons, naturalist and author of the book "Stalking the Wild Asparagus" once said, "Most people do not know that many parts of the pine cone are edible." Euell was right. I did not know that. But unless I am lost in the forest and starving to death, I am not going to…
BUFFET RESTAURANTS ARE THE DEVIL’S WORKSHOP
People should not eat all they can eat. Some of us consider that a challenge to be met. Like many Americans, I am a high-volume eater. Given a choice between a perfectly grilled filet mignon and a box of store-brand macaroni and cheese, I am apt to choose the macaroni. Just like the old theater…
I’M AFRAID TO ASK, BUT WHERE’D MY BAR OF SOAP GO MID-SHOWER?
It seems that everything from shoestrings to refrigerators has been designed to self-destruct. What has happened to the quality of American goods? Do the manufacturers think we have not noticed the rising prices, shrinking packages, and decline in quality? No manufacturer would stoop to such dishonest and unethical practice, would they? Hah! Let's start with…
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING: I’D RATHER BE LOCKED UP FOR THE DURATION
I swore it wouldn't happen again this year. If I braved the crowds and the traffic and the inclement weather and ventured into the malls on the Friday after Thanksgiving (the biggest shopping day of the year), this time would be different. I would remain cool, calm, and collected, bubbling with good cheer and holiday…
PRESTO-CHANGO: UNDERGARMENTS THAT TAKE YOU FROM FLAT TO FABULOUS
Women's undergarments are a lot like the art of magic, in that a combination of misdirection of the viewer's attention and hidden wires and trap doors results in the illusion that something has been made of nothing or that nothing has been made of too much of something. All that is really happening is that…
WHAT’S SCARIER THAN THE NEWS?
This morning's horoscope said that I should confront my fears today. I find it ironic that this advice appeared in the newspaper. These days there is nothing scarier than the news. As if impeachment, world-wide terrorism, and mass shootings were not scary enough, in an effort to attract more viewers to the late-night news, the…
FROM ONE RENTED ROOM TO A CONVERTED CHICKEN COOP; LIFE IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION
During the Great Depression, two young families, the Martins and the Zimmers, barely managed to scrape together the 40 cents necessary to purchase a Christmas tree. Each couple contributed 20 cents. Housing was scarce and , and they considered themselves lucky to have found a warm and comfortable place to spend Christmas with their young…
MY PLAN TO BE A BALD, CROTCHETY, ECCENTRIC OLD LADY
I do not intend to grow old gracefully. I am not happy about the process, but as the saying goes, "it beats the alternative. "My health has held up pretty well, in spite of assorted aches and pains which have no known cause and for which apparently there is no known cure. My doctor's favorite…
