Levity & Brevity

My mom was the guillotine of photographers. She cut off more heads (figuratively speaking) than Henry VIII did literally. When she passed away, my sister and I decided to go through hundreds of her old photos, identify the headless subjects, and label them. In most cases, it was as deep a mystery as any that…

When I was a child, at least I never had to worry that my doll might eat my hair off. In the 1970s, one of Mattel's Cabbage Patch Kids (Snack Time Kid) was recalled because it had a habit of snagging the long hair of little girls and chomping its way up to the scalp,…

I know that's comedian Rodney Dangerfield's line. I also know it's a double negative, but I've had a lousy week and I don't care. I've had to deal with multiple incidents of people who were inappropriately personal and unprofessional. After ordering a meal and a drink in a small-town diner, the waitress said, "Are you…

As we ease into the holiday seasons, let's not forget to give thanks for the little things. For example, I'm thankful I still have all my own teeth. According to my late mother, who'd lost most of hers to gum disease, I should do whatever necessary to keep my natural teeth, even if I had…

Most of the fads of my youth have gone the way of goldfish swallowing and phone booth stuffing, and good riddance. Although it's too bad we didn't save our "gum wrapper chains of love." The recycled aluminum foil could produce enough beer cans to supply the next five years of Super Bowl parties. Gum wrapper…

"Let me check the computer for your doctor's order for this mammogram," said the technician. "Ok, but is that really necessary? Would I be here, having the most sensitive parts of my anatomy squeezed between plates, if my doctor didn't order it? Are there women flitting from clinic to clinic having frequent, unauthorized mammograms just…

As a first-time homeowner in 1973, I was apprehensive about my first Halloween on the other side of the doorway. After all, I didn't want my house egged or my trees toilet-papered. Anticipating a crowd of Trick-or-Treaters, I purchased a case of my favorite full-size candy bars. You know, just in case there were any…

My friend Marquita brought to my attention that I've become predictable. She said it would be impossible for me to write about anything other than chocolate, bodily functions, or sex. She has wounded me deeply. I'm capable of very deep thoughts, in spite of my shallow mind. Indeed, I've often participated in in "think tanks,"…

As I neared menopause, I desperately tried to ward off the approaching turbulence. I made excuses for the absentmindedness and denied the irritability. To those of you who are nearing the end of Aunt Flo's now-unpredictable visits, take a little trip with me to what I like to call the menopausal playground. There you'll find…

It was a road surface so full of ruts and potholes that after driving over it, I had to pull over to the side of the road to retrieve my tooth fillings, my contact lenses, and my left ovary from the floorboard of the car. For months there'd been a sign posted there stating, "Rough…