THE NUTS DIDN’T FALL FAR FROM THE TREES

My friend Lynn, whose hobby is genealogy,  is oddly proud of the "black sheep" in her family history. Not only were they embezzlers, bank robbers, and pirates, but they were very successful ones. I got tired of hearing about it. The next time she started in on me about it, I was ready. "You know,…

THE BANANA INQUISITION OF 1967

One of my mom's nicknames was "The Interrogator." Whenever an infraction of the house rules had been committed, the inquisition would begin. All household operations would be suspended until the mystery of "who done it" was solved. She was relentless in her pursuit of the truth. Her style was reminiscent of Perry Mason and she…

DESIGNATED MOURNER

I have always wanted a job whose very title implies uniqueness and respectability. Something with the word "designated" in the title, like a designated driver or designated hitter. Preferably, it should involve little actual labor and provide a very large income. Finally, I found the career of my dreams: designated mourner. I got the idea…

GROOMING RITUALS: TOENAILS AND TUMORS

My least favorite grooming ritual is the pedicure. For some reason, as we age, our toenails become thicker and tougher, nearly impervious to progressively powerful trimming implements. My next effort may need to involve a chainsaw and 80-grit sandpaper. It would not surprise me to learn that anthropologists have a formula for gauging the age…